You're not the little girl I used to know.....

These past few months have been some of the most grueling, confusing and tumultuous times that I have ever been through in my 21 years on this earth. Change has not only made itself known in my life, it has become a permanent fixture in it. Just when I thought the worst was over and the storm had passed, Hurricane Change came right back through and turned everything upside down.

I found myself telling people that a part of me died when Steph died, and that I was having a hard time figuring out just who I was now that I had lost her. Granted, I make it sound like we were married, that now that she was gone my life was over as well. It's been a struggle putting everything back together and making sense out of all of this, not only her death but these other elements that make up hurricane change, but it just wasn't working. I found myself becoming more and more reclusive, and feeling sorry for myself while looking for some sort of miracle to make myself feel and act the way I used to. Thinking about it now, I'm not really sure what I was looking for, or rather what I am still currently looking for. I don't think would make me feel better, other than a time machine, which we may have to wait until the year 3000 for.....

Right after Steph passed I remember thanking hundreds of people for their support because it was their support, love, thoughts and prayers that were helping me get through this. I don't know why I lost sight of this fact, but I haven't been sincerely appreciative to those who have stuck by me during this rocky period and have provided me with the love that is imperative in every human being's life. I'm sorry to those who I have pushed away.... all I had wanted during these past few months was Steph back, and sadly, thats not possible. I was looking for Steph in everyone, and clearly, you all are not Steph. She is irreplaceable, which is a pro and a con.

All in all, the purpose of this blog was to tell everyone that I really am still recovering from all of this, and in some ways I'm not the Kat that many of you used to know. I didn't have it entirely figured out before Steph died, but things seemed a little clearer. And I definitely do not say it enough, but thank you for sticking with me through this period of uncertainty and change. Life throws some crazy shiz at you, it just sucks I have to learn this all at once.

Not to sound too emo, but.... well I guess this is growing up

Jour Heureux De Mères

For those of you fortunate enough to have a mother, make sure you tell her how special she is, because without her you clearly wouldn't be here. I truly believe that part of the reason Steph was brought into my life to make me value and treasure my mother for the wonderful woman she is. Growing up, I wasn't that wild of a child, but I did have my moments where my mother and I would butt heads and battle. Steph would always make me take a step back and appreciate Barb, because her mother was taken far too soon. So make sure your mom knows just how much she means to you, she can never get tired of hearing it.

The lads of Honor Society show their madre pride in their latest episode of The Gentlemen's Club:

Seeing that a little over a month has passed since Steph's death, it really brings tears (happy) to my eyes when I still see people giving little shout outs to her. Whether it's an "RIP SMG" in their titles on MySpace, or a little blurb about her in their About Mes, or away messages, any little bit goes a long way. My biggest fear is everyone moving on, and the memory of Steph being forgotten. So if you have contributed to keeping Steph's memory alive, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

- Katherine Hiegel

Have you had an adventure today?

They tell me that when faced with a death, everyone takes their own time to grieve. Some people may grieve for only a week or two, while others take a bit longer. But you shouldn't feel like you need to rush... take as long as you'd like. My question to them is, how do you know when your grieving period is over? I've been forced back into everyday life and the shit that comes along with it such as school work and tests and traffic.... but my mind isn't there. I have so much to catch up on, yet I find myself avoiding it and unable to concentrate. Steph was a massive part of my daily life, I don't think a lot of people understand this. So when I'm asked to take a midterm on Consumer Markets and Buying Behavior, I can't. Life continues on, and lately I've been finding myself getting angry or annoyed at those who are continuing on, even though we all really don't have a choice.

Among the tidal wave of feelings that I have been feeling on a daily basis, I catch myself getting annoyed and angry at the petty bs that people tend to get upset over or complain about. If there's one thing I've learned through all of this, it's to forgive and forget.... the forgetting part is super hard. Even if we say we forgive an individual, we often never let that one insignificant event go. In the grand scheme of things, I guarantee your current spat is not worth the time and energy you are spending on it. Forgive, forget and treasure the time you are given here because your days are numbered. Make something of your days, love others and love yourself. There are days when I have to remind myself of this, because I'd love to sit and wallow in my bed with the curtains shut. But then I remember that God has an ultimate plan for us all, and we're here for a reason. Do you know what the reason you're here is yet? Or are you still wallowing in your own petty problems and dilemmas. If there is one thing we can all learn from Steph, it's that she always lived everyday to the fullest. Someone made a comment to me the other day after watching this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkpnJHsXtAg
This person made a comment about how much Steph had done in her brief time on this earth, and how many people don't accomplish in 80 years what she had accomplished in a mere 21 years. Steph and I would be sitting on the couch watching TV and she would say "Let's have an adventure." Even if we were simply driving, she would turn our standard drive into a dance party.

I end this by asking everyone never to forget Steph, and never forget the way she lived her life. She rarely held grudges, rarely got angry and rarely didn't have fun. Think about that as you are fighting with a friend or loved one... and savor each millisecond you have with your best friend. And now I leave you with these moving lyrics by Miley Cyrus... what a poet....

I know you're in a better place, yeah
But I wish that I could see your face, oh
I know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

Even though it's different now, you're still here some how

I've always said "I don't have enough of an interesting or exciting life to take up blogging." I'm pretty typical, and if I did in fact take up blogging, people would realize this, and my entire coolness factor (the little that I have) would be obliterated. 

But the past few weeks changed my outlook on blogging... among may other things. 

For those of you who don't know, on March 25, 2008, I lost a huge part of my life. My best friend, no rather my sister, passed away at the age of 21. First, let's clear something up -- Steph's death was not caused by  any reckless or out of control activities. She didn't do any drugs, barely drank, couldn't even swallow a tylenol. So get all of those thoughts out of your head. Thank you.

Continuing on.... Steph was really into writing and kept journals for most of her life. I knew a lot about her, but her journals are where she really released her feelings, wishes, hopes and desires. She would tell me to write when I was feeling down, because that was her source of venting and releasing. I brushed it off, thinking it was silly and pointless. Now, as we continue on with our lives without Steph physically being here, those journals are more valuable to myself, her friends and family than anything in the world. I've yet to really get a chance to read her entries, except for one. This particular entry is entitled "Things To Do Before I Die" and she wrote it sometime in 2003 I believe. As I sat in her room in between wakes and read each item, all I could think was that I hope she knew how much of the list she had accomplished. Granted she was roughly 16 at the time, and a few of the things are a bit insignificant now, but the biggies.... those she undoubtedly accomplished in her brief period on this earth. I had to snap a picture of the list, so here it is for your viewing pleasure..

If you were lucky enough to have known Steph, you know that she was everything she wishes to be on her list, and so much more. 

This leads me back to my original point.... without the numerous journals Steph kept, we would not have such precious memories, stories, thoughts or feelings. So here I am, starting up a wonderful blog so that someone out there can understand just who I am, and one day, someone can look back and say... "Thank goodness for Kat's blog, without it, we would've missed so much of just what she was all about."

With that said, I will try not to disappoint with my random entries. I will try my hardest to be entertaining. But remember, I ain't no Kevin Jonas. 

I end this premier blog with one thing... remember to treasure those you really truly care about, because you never know when they will be taken away from you. Say "I love you" and mean it, give out meaningful hugs, and don't hold grudges. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed, so get over the petty crap. 

Seacrest out.