You're not the little girl I used to know.....

These past few months have been some of the most grueling, confusing and tumultuous times that I have ever been through in my 21 years on this earth. Change has not only made itself known in my life, it has become a permanent fixture in it. Just when I thought the worst was over and the storm had passed, Hurricane Change came right back through and turned everything upside down.

I found myself telling people that a part of me died when Steph died, and that I was having a hard time figuring out just who I was now that I had lost her. Granted, I make it sound like we were married, that now that she was gone my life was over as well. It's been a struggle putting everything back together and making sense out of all of this, not only her death but these other elements that make up hurricane change, but it just wasn't working. I found myself becoming more and more reclusive, and feeling sorry for myself while looking for some sort of miracle to make myself feel and act the way I used to. Thinking about it now, I'm not really sure what I was looking for, or rather what I am still currently looking for. I don't think would make me feel better, other than a time machine, which we may have to wait until the year 3000 for.....

Right after Steph passed I remember thanking hundreds of people for their support because it was their support, love, thoughts and prayers that were helping me get through this. I don't know why I lost sight of this fact, but I haven't been sincerely appreciative to those who have stuck by me during this rocky period and have provided me with the love that is imperative in every human being's life. I'm sorry to those who I have pushed away.... all I had wanted during these past few months was Steph back, and sadly, thats not possible. I was looking for Steph in everyone, and clearly, you all are not Steph. She is irreplaceable, which is a pro and a con.

All in all, the purpose of this blog was to tell everyone that I really am still recovering from all of this, and in some ways I'm not the Kat that many of you used to know. I didn't have it entirely figured out before Steph died, but things seemed a little clearer. And I definitely do not say it enough, but thank you for sticking with me through this period of uncertainty and change. Life throws some crazy shiz at you, it just sucks I have to learn this all at once.

Not to sound too emo, but.... well I guess this is growing up