These past few months have been some of the most grueling, confusing and tumultuous times that I have ever been through in my 21 years on this earth. Change has not only made itself known in my life, it has become a permanent fixture in it. Just when I thought the worst was over and the storm had passed, Hurricane Change came right back through and turned everything upside down.
I found myself telling people that a part of me died when Steph died, and that I was having a hard time figuring out just who I was now that I had lost her. Granted, I make it sound like we were married, that now that she was gone my life was over as well. It's been a struggle putting everything back together and making sense out of all of this, not only her death but these other elements that make up hurricane change, but it just wasn't working. I found myself becoming more and more reclusive, and feeling sorry for myself while looking for some sort of miracle to make myself feel and act the way I used to. Thinking about it now, I'm not really sure what I was looking for, or rather what I am still currently looking for. I don't think would make me feel better, other than a time machine, which we may have to wait until the year 3000 for.....
Right after Steph passed I remember thanking hundreds of people for their support because it was their support, love, thoughts and prayers that were helping me get through this. I don't know why I lost sight of this fact, but I haven't been sincerely appreciative to those who have stuck by me during this rocky period and have provided me with the love that is imperative in every human being's life. I'm sorry to those who I have pushed away.... all I had wanted during these past few months was Steph back, and sadly, thats not possible. I was looking for Steph in everyone, and clearly, you all are not Steph. She is irreplaceable, which is a pro and a con.
All in all, the purpose of this blog was to tell everyone that I really am still recovering from all of this, and in some ways I'm not the Kat that many of you used to know. I didn't have it entirely figured out before Steph died, but things seemed a little clearer. And I definitely do not say it enough, but thank you for sticking with me through this period of uncertainty and change. Life throws some crazy shiz at you, it just sucks I have to learn this all at once.
Not to sound too emo, but.... well I guess this is growing up
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5 comments:
Your an amazing Person Kat!! I mean that from the bottom of my heart <3
You may not know how or why, but you have changed my life in so many ways.. Everything that I do now started the very first day I signed on this computer last year to help Kayla. You were the 2nd person I talked to. Mandy was the first. From that point on it set in motion a series of things that have completely changed me and my goals for the future. You, as well as, Joyce & Steph were an inspiration to me and still are!
Melissa Notarianni :)
I know exactly how you feel. Everything is going right. and when you least expect it..BAM...something happens and it all changes. It happen twice to me within 4 months. I lost one of my very best friends New Years day 2007...then when I had finally thought I was going to be alright, I lost my grandpa. March 24, 2007. My life will never be the same. They're both irreplaceable...and like you said...it's a pro and a con. but I will always pray for you. for you to have strength. I know we don't know each other very well, but I'm here for you, Kat!
i love you. its honestly all i can say but you know its true.
You seem like a really strong person with a good head on their shoulders. Which is great to be.
Now I have just added you guys on myspace from the JB street team recently, but this blog post touched me in a way.
We may not be able to know exactly what we are looking for, and loosing the ones we love is hard, but they are always with us.
Though you seem to have lots of people who will help.
And I know you barely know me, but I just wanted to leave a comment.
(:
Kat....I know we never got to know each other all too well...but I hear you. I think every day....why did they have to take her so soon. It just doesn't make sense why such a beautiful life had to end so early. It will take time....but your life will start coming back together. If anything....this has taught me not to take life for granted. If you need anything...talk or what not feel free to send me a message.... <3
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